Saturday, November 27, 2021

Ahmaud Arbery's long, dirty toenails?

From: Al T.
Sent: November 27, 2021
To: undisclosed recipients
Subject: Fw: Ahmaud Arbery's long, dirty toenails?

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Defense lawyer prompts outrage for bringing up Ahmaud Arbery's toenails in closing arguments. Quote "Turning Ahmaud Arbery into a victim after the choices that he made does not reflect the reality of what brought Ahmaud Arbery to Satilla Shores in his khaki shorts with no socks to cover his long, dirty toenails,"




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Health and Fire code violations in NYC

From: Frank H.
Sent: November 27, 2021
To: undisclosed recipients
Subject: Fw: Health and Fire code violations in NYC

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A New York TikToker’s video featuring window view she was promised versus view she got has gone viral, garnering over 414,000 views and plenty of housing advice from other TikTokers.








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SpaceX Under Fire After Autonomous Rocket Hits Pedestrian

From: Sam N.
Sent: November 27, 2021
To: undisclosed recipients
Subject: Fw: SpaceX Under Fire After Autonomous Rocket Hits Pedestrian

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Calling it a terrible tragedy that could and should have easily been avoided, investigators slammed SpaceX Thursday after an autonomous rocket veered off course and struck a pedestrian. “At approximately 11 a.m. CST, a SpaceX Falcon9 rocket launched itself into traffic at 17,000 mph, hitting and subsequently killing a man who was crossing the street,” read a statement from the National Transportation Safety Board, adding that despite being programmed with the latest self-guiding software, the rocket entered traffic, ignored several red lights, and failed to disengage several high-speed booster rockets at the time of impact. “After striking and killing the pedestrian, the spaceship continued to accelerate, until it ultimately flew off of a cliff and collided with a tree, creating an enormous mushroom cloud visible from the entire city. Sadly, until we can enter the several hundred foot crater and find the rocket’s data logs, we may never know what truly happened.” At press time, SpaceX responded that while they were sorry for the loss of life, they were proud that no cars were harmed in the accident. SpaceX Under Fire After Autonomous Rocket Hits Pedestrian. Credit: The Onion -
https://www.theonion.com/spacex-under-fire-after-autonomous-rocket-hits-pedestri-1847946787 sat·ire noun the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.



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Tuesday, November 23, 2021

Armored truck spills money on freeway

From: Marsha D.
Sent: November 23, 2021
To: undisclosed recipients
Subject: Fw: Armored truck spills money on freeway

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An armored truck in San Diego accidentally sent bills of U.S. currency flying out a back door during a drive on the I-5, effectively stopping traffic as motorists parked and exited their vehicles to grab some of the money.







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80 People Ransacked The Nordstrom In Walnut Creek, California

From: Jackson M.
Sent: November 23, 2021
To: undisclosed recipients
Subject: Fw: 80 People Ransacked The Nordstrom In Walnut Creek, California

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Three people were arrested after a group of about 80 ransacked a Nordstrom department store in the San Francisco Bay Area on Saturday night in what police believe was an "organized theft."








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Friday, November 5, 2021

Biden Offers To Have Hunter Repaint Sistine Chapel

From: Dennis G.
Sent: November 5, 2021
To: undisclosed recipients
Subject: Fw: Biden Offers To Have Hunter Repaint Sistine Chapel

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President Biden emerged from his meeting with Pope Francis greatly relieved and brimming with joy, claiming that the Holy Father had requested Biden’s son, the great artist Hunter, repaint the dated Sistine Chapel ceiling. “We’ve been planning a remodel for about 1,000 years,” the Pope reportedly told President Biden, “but we just never felt we had the right artist. It would be an honor to have such a devout Catholic and brilliant child protégé complete the epic task.” The Papal Committee for Making the Church More Culturally Relevant (PCFMTCMCR) has been seeking ways to make the church more acceptable to pro-choice communist environmentalists. A more difficult task, however, has been the modernization of Vatican City to make it more up-to-date and seeker-sensitive to people who have the archaic notion that the Catholic Church teaches the Bible and is not in favor of sins like abortion. “I Googled ‘Sistine Chapel’ and Wiki says it was painted in like the 1500s and its time to update it,” said renowned artist Hunter Biden to reporters. "I promise to pour all my incredible talents into this project and will only ask for a modest fee of $30 million." Sources say work on the new ceiling will commence as soon as the Vatican has finished cleaning up Biden's poop. Biden Offers To Have Hunter Repaint Sistine Chapel. Credit: Babylon Bee -
https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-pope-asked-if-hunter-could-repaint-sistine-chapel-ceiling sat·ire noun the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.




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FDA Recalls Chili Peppers, Citing That If You Chop Them And Touch Your Junk, Your Junk Will Burn

From: Danny T.
Sent: November 5, 2021
To: undisclosed recipients
Subject: Fw: FDA Recalls Chili Peppers, Citing That If You Chop Them And Touch Your Junk, Your Junk Will Burn

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Advising consumers to check their kitchens for contamination as soon as possible, the Food and Drug Administration announced an immediate recall Wednesday of millions of U.S.-sold chili peppers after finding evidence that if you chop them and then touch your junk, your junk will burn. “Due to the serious health threat posed by these peppers, it is vital that you not handle any slices of the affected produce prior to handling your genitalia,” said acting FDA director Janet Woodcock, adding that consumers with chili peppers in their homes should not panic, but should make sure they dispose of them properly and without delay to avoid a prolonged sensation in which their vagina or penis feels like they accidentally lit it on fire. “This is an urgent matter of public safety: If you cut up a jalapeño, Serrano, habanero, or other spicy varietal, and then, for any reason, your hand makes contact with your pubic region, your stuff will sting like a mofo. Our agency has been working quickly to remove these peppers from the market ever since an incident in which we were just trying to make a nice panang curry for dinner and instead wound up doubled over on the floor with an absolutely scorching hot crotch. It sucked so bad.” The FDA stressed this recall was far more serious than its recent onion recalls, noting that while most people recover from salmonella without treatment, relief from chili pepper exposure can require consumers to dip their junk into a cup of milk or, in the most severe cases, a tub of sour cream. FDA Recalls Millions Of Chili Peppers, Citing Fact That If You Chop Them And Touch Your Junk, Your Junk Will Burn. Credit: The Onion -
https://www.theonion.com/fda-recalls-millions-of-chili-peppers-citing-fact-that-1847937782 sat·ire noun the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.




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Thursday, November 4, 2021

Off duty security guard attempting to detain man in private dog park

From: Cam N.
Sent: November 4, 2021
To: undisclosed recipients
Subject: Fw: Off duty security guard attempting to detain man in private dog park

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A TikTok posted Thursday of a security guard allegedly attempting to detain a man at a private dog park has gone viral.









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Karens harass Black neighbor trying to go to her father’s funeral

From: Sara E.
Sent: November 4, 2021
To: undisclosed recipients
Subject: Fw: Karens harass Black neighbor trying to go to her father’s funeral

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A grieving family had their mourning interrupted when they say their next door neighbors harassed them over a limo being parked in front of their property.








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Monday, November 1, 2021

Just As China Reveals Space Nukes, America Responds With Trans Admiral

From: Jimmy G.
Sent: November 1, 2021
To: undisclosed recipients
Subject: Fw: Just As China Reveals Space Nukes, America Responds With Trans Admiral

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The arms race is heating up between the U.S. and China. Just last week, China revealed its brand new "space nukes", which are capable of easily nuking any country on the planet. The United States responded swiftly to the provocation by unveiling the world's first trans admiral. "China, you've been warned," said Biden to a Chinese food delivery person he mistook for President Xi. "Our transgender admiral is fully armed and operational. If you cross us, we will unleash the full fire and fury of this deadly weapon upon you, make no mistake." Military experts say that while a space nuke is somewhat impressive, it pales in comparison to the awesome power of diversity. "With Rachel Levine serving as admiral, nations around the world will bow before the terrifying might of our transgender empowerment," said General Milley. "We must pursue peace through strength. Strength of inclusivity." Biden insisted that there is no weapon yet conceived that can top Admiral Levine and that he will gladly accept China's preemptive surrender. Admiral Levine was not available for comment as she was getting her prostate examined. Just As China Reveals Space Nukes, America Responds With Trans Admiral. Credit: The Babylon Bee -
https://babylonbee.com/news/arms-race-heats-up-just-as-china-reveals-space-nukes-america-responds-with-trans-admiral sat·ire noun the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.



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Starbucks barista offers help woman being relentlessly hit on in viral TikTok

From: Lou Y.
Sent: November 1, 2021
To: undisclosed recipients
Subject: Fw: Starbucks barista offers help woman being relentlessly hit on in viral TikTok

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A woman’s TikTok went viral after she said a Starbucks barista came to rescue her from a man hitting on her outside the store.









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Monday, October 25, 2021

In-N-Out Unveils Exciting New Menu Item, The 'Let's Go Brandon'

From: Jill M.
Sent: October 25, 2021
To: undisclosed recipients
Subject: Fw: In-N-Out Unveils Exciting New Menu Item, The 'Let's Go Brandon'

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In-N-Out isn't known for changing its menu, with the fast-food burger joint offering the same burger, cheeseburger, and Double Double options for many years. But the Cali favorite has made an exception, introducing a fun new menu item, the "Let's Go, Brandon!" The burger is 45 patties all stacked up on top of each other accompanied by In-N-Out's signature fresh ingredients and delicious spread. It costs only $17.76, which is a huge cost savings over ordering a 45x45 from the secret menu. According to company spokespeople, the Let's Go Brandon started out as a secret menu item but grew so popular that it has been added to the regular menu. It's replacing the Double Double for a limited time. "There are a few iconic moments in In-N-Out history: the introduction of the milkshake, the unveiling of the Double Double, the time one of our truckers ran over a whole family of possums, the time we tried introducing possum burgers," said a spokesperson. "This is just another evolution in our menu, trusted by cool California youth pastors and surfer dudes for decades." "Also, the slogan has absolutely no double meaning. We just like the name Brandon. What can we say? We want him to go." In-N-Out Unveils Exciting New Menu Item, The 'Let's Go Brandon'. Credit: The Babylon Bee -
https://babylonbee.com/news/in-n-out-unveils-exciting-new-burger-the-lets-go-brandon

sat·ire noun the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.





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Mom confronts ‘nasty neighbor’ who was allegedly creeping on her kids

From: Doug T.
Sent: October 25, 2021
To: undisclosed recipients
Subject: Fw: Mom confronts ‘nasty neighbor’ who was allegedly creeping on her kids

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A viral TikTok video shows a TikToker confronting a “nasty neighbor” who was allegedly creeping on her kids.









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