Monday, July 11, 2022

Going To College? Here's What You Need To Pack For The Fall Semester In Order To Survive

From: Zac M.
Sent: July 11, 2022
To: undisclosed recipients
Subject: Fw: Going To College? Here's What You Need To Pack For The Fall Semester In Order To Survive


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Are you registering for classes for the upcoming fall semester at a prestigious and expensive university? You'll need to prepare for a cutthroat world of higher education and poverty that's in store for you. Here is a definitive list of items you must take to college with you: 1. Extra internal organs to trade for tuition: One kidney alone will cover 3 credit hours! 2. $8,000 cash: For books! Oh, you thought your tuition covered books? AHAHAHAHA! 3. Extra change of pronouns: No one uses he/him or she/her anymore. Get with it! 4. Several changes of extremely ugly, unattractive clothing: So you'll fit in with all the other GenZ kids. 5. Contraband Jordan Peterson videos to secretly share with your friends: Whatever you do, do NOT get caught with these! 6. Cat ears for some reason: Everyone's doing it. 7. Acoustic guitar and ability to play one song: Everyone will love you! 8. Small fan, reusable water bottle, pencil case, and durable book bag: To sell for beer money. 9. Magneto helmet to keep professors out of your head: Helmet hair isn't a problem because you'll never want to take it off. Ever. 10. #2 pencil: To poke your eyes out during the cafeteria's drag show. 11. A completely new identity for when you first get canceled for telling a politically incorrect joke on social media: No one is immune. Credit: sat·ire noun the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.

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